Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
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JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
just make the entire table out of coaster
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.