“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
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[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”