Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
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Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
I just meowed at a cat and from the way it looked back at me I am 90% sure I said something really offensive
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.