“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
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never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
This is what makes twitter great
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me