We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
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This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
Every photo I’m tagged in
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
☺️
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
🤣😂
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
Yup….perfect score!
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.