On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
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Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
plant them where lol
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.