Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
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Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white