It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
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I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
This tweet lives in my head rent free.