I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
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Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
IT: You deleted the OS?
Me: I think so.
IT: It didn’t warn you?
Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money