Nose
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Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.