“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
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I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
when nothing goes right… go left
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…