Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
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Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Life with a cat in one tweet