A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
You Might Also Like
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.