me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
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Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
*weighs self after shaving
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Wife: I just vacuumed so don’t make a mess
Daughter: Yeah, don’t make a mess dad
Me: I’m not the one she was *drops sandwich* dammit
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
One venti cheeseburger please.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually