Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
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I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.