people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
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If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now