None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
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Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Living well is decent revenge but the kind with catapults and fire is way better.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No