Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
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Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.