[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
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My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
calling in to work dehydrated
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter