I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
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in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.