Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
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I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.