“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
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No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕