[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
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Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
black phone good
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”