I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
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I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
☠️☠️☠️
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back