So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
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When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.