Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
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Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
The biggest lie in advertising is someone taking a bite of a hard shell taco & it not immediately exploding in their hands.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate
groom: can you please stop saying that
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.