Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
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[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
so much to do
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
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Great Canadian literature.
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”