I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
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“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
The only reason I know it’s February is because the M&M’s are pink.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?