santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
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Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Hell yeah 👍
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.