Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
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I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt