Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
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Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
Oh no
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.