Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
You Might Also Like
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Hi kids I’m Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you’re a professional SWAT member on a bus that’s about to blow up
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time