If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
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Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Jupiter
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.