Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
You Might Also Like
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
Guys, I found it.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.