I stupidly asked my kids to explain why there are rocks in the washing machine, as if I’m new to this whole parenting thing
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Möther may I have a snäck
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
We avoided this particular disaster
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
Maths meets science
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire