ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
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Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
Having a Twitter account is the equivalent of running away to join the circus.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
When I laugh on my period
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her