Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
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Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
put ‘er there pardner!