Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
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The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir