Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
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me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
just got my engagement photos
the red hot silly peppers
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
excuse me
felt that
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling