In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
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Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.