When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
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ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
I feel it
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no