If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
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If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA