if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
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My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.