When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
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[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Feels like there should be a middle ground
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.