realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
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My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*