Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
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An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?