Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
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I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?