If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
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If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
bears
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs