All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
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Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
Flowers bee like
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
What even happened today?
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?