At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
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Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
Mission: Impossible
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?